shirt- Zara, jeans- thrifted, shoes- Converse
Currently amidst a mess of papers, oncoming finals, problem sets and projects, trying to find a balance between everything. It’s all stuff I want to do, which is an amazing feeling. Taking time off of school while being on a gap year genuinely made me miss learning for the sake of learning. And even though I hope and truly believe that what I’m learning now is shaping me as a person and will be important to me in the future, indulgently taking time to learn about the Savannah park system, modernist novels as music and the history of blazers just for the sake of knowing things also feels wonderful.
There were so many times last year that I craved the support and learning for the sake of learning that is college. After moving out and being on my own for more than six months in two big cities, I had this me versus the world mentality that both was exhausting and largely unnecessary but also created tremendous internal growth in a very short period of time. Learning how to navigate the subway, how to grocery shop, write a tricky email to a boss, advocate for myself, even just how to come home to an empty apartment and be okay was something that I had to learn to do overnight. Obviously, I had a tremendous amount of support that buoyed me up and helped me along. But in the day to day, I had to be more self resilient than ever before.
Now I’m in a completely different environment, one built to support, one that is supposed to be a natural easing between life at home and life out in the Real World. I don’t cook for myself. I don’t have a 9-5 job. Instead, I have multiple advisors, deans, people that are employed with the sole purpose of providing support. Friends who I get to take classes with, eat with, live with, exist alongside every single day, all helping me manage it all.
And in that amazing, incredible support, I’ve lost some of my street savvy. I’m not quite as on guard, not quite as scheduled, not as fixated on what’s coming next. It’s a wonderful thing, because I’m learning every day how to prioritize my life according to how I would like to live, how to live a little more presently. But I also worry that I’m getting lazy about projects where nobody else is holding me accountable. Because so much of what I do is for a class, a club, a friend, for myself I’m more likely to want to take a break than I am to log some hours at work or write a new blog post.
This isn’t burnout. This certainly isn’t an abandonment of blogging. I’m just finding my footing underneath me, trying to allow both space for a five year plan and space to laugh at the idea that I could possibly predict what I’ll be doing (or even want to be doing) in five years.
Finding that balance. Taking some time, and remembering to work on balancing the “if it’s meant to be, it’s up to me” mentality with the one that tells me to relax, take a break, enjoy each moment with no endgoal in sight.